Last year I had my entire future planned out.
I was going to go to uni, study History and Classical Studies, then study to be a high school teacher. I was going to teach for a few years, then travel, then start a family with the most amazing guy in the world. My studies were going well, I was acing everything.
And then Charm died.
I failed all my exams. Completely bombed out on everything. I was rejected from University, badly injured my back and lost my job.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old due to my so-called father and bullying. But the last five months suffering from severe depression have been the worst of my life. It has resulted in me pushing my family, friends and partner away. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy. Like I have failed everyone, Charm most of all.
I have been sucked into this deep black hole that I cannot get out of, and I’m so afraid that it is going to be the death of me. And I have no idea what I want any more.
I’m so afraid. I am haunted by my past, but by Charm most of all.
The crazy thing is, it’s been Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire that has got me through the worst of it. Being able to lose myself in the story and show, it’s bliss being able to leave the real world behind.
i can’t look at a horse without feeling pain.
i can’t look at a picture of you without feeling like my heart is being torn into pieces.
i feel no joy in anything anymore.
i have lost so much in my life,
but losing you has been the hardest.