So last night I had an absolute mental breakdown. Had an anxiety attack and started ripping my hair out, then I couldn’t breathe so I had a panic attack.
What is going on with me.
I am one worthless fat piece of shit.
Why the fuck do I even bother anymore?
It’s not like I’ll ever make him happy.
Black hole swallow me now.
I feel like absolute shit, both physically and emotionally.
I have completely worn myself out and cannot cope with day to day activities anymore. I have stressed so much over the last couple of weeks that I have suffered from cold sores, ulcers, pulling my hair out when I’m alone, and recurring UTI’s.
It is absolute fucking hell.
Not only that, but I’m a fucking shit girlfriend. I know I don’t make him happy any more and that fucking kills me. I know how to make him happy, I just cannot emotionally bring myself to do that. All he wants is for me to be happy, but I don’t deserve that. Not at all.
I hate myself.
I. Hate. Myself.
I don’t deserve anything in life. I am a pathetic, fat, useless, disgusting, failure.
Doctor has said she wants me off my meds by Spring, and at the rate I’m going at the moment I feel like this will actually be possible for me.
I’m excited, life seems too good to be true at the moment - and knowing my luck it probably is.
Black abyss, please just let me happy for a little bit longer.
Last year I had my entire future planned out.
I was going to go to uni, study History and Classical Studies, then study to be a high school teacher. I was going to teach for a few years, then travel, then start a family with the most amazing guy in the world. My studies were going well, I was acing everything.
And then Charm died.
I failed all my exams. Completely bombed out on everything. I was rejected from University, badly injured my back and lost my job.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 10 years old due to my so-called father and bullying. But the last five months suffering from severe depression have been the worst of my life. It has resulted in me pushing my family, friends and partner away. I feel like I do not deserve to be happy. Like I have failed everyone, Charm most of all.
I have been sucked into this deep black hole that I cannot get out of, and I’m so afraid that it is going to be the death of me. And I have no idea what I want any more.
I’m so afraid. I am haunted by my past, but by Charm most of all.
The crazy thing is, it’s been Game of Thrones and A Song of Ice and Fire that has got me through the worst of it. Being able to lose myself in the story and show, it’s bliss being able to leave the real world behind.
i can’t look at a horse without feeling pain.
i can’t look at a picture of you without feeling like my heart is being torn into pieces.
i feel no joy in anything anymore.
i have lost so much in my life,
but losing you has been the hardest.