I feel like absolute shit, both physically and emotionally.
I have completely worn myself out and cannot cope with day to day activities anymore. I have stressed so much over the last couple of weeks that I have suffered from cold sores, ulcers, pulling my hair out when I’m alone, and recurring UTI’s.
It is absolute fucking hell.
Not only that, but I’m a fucking shit girlfriend. I know I don’t make him happy any more and that fucking kills me. I know how to make him happy, I just cannot emotionally bring myself to do that. All he wants is for me to be happy, but I don’t deserve that. Not at all.
I hate myself.
I. Hate. Myself.
I don’t deserve anything in life. I am a pathetic, fat, useless, disgusting, failure.
Had another fall today, off the ‘super-safe-wonder-pony’ as well.
Helicopter was flying low over us, she spooked and ran out sideways underneath me.
I’m rather sore again, especially considering I landed on the side I fell on in December as well. I can sit, I can walk, but I can’t bend forward, so will be interesting to see how riding goes tomorrow.
3 days before our first competition as well! Something tells me we are not yet ready, but I need to do this for my self confidence. I need to start competing again.
So am feeling very low at the moment, disappointed in myself for falling and not being more aware of my surroundings, disappointed that I didn’t stop when I though enough was enough, disappointed that I was unhappy with her canter so asked for more from her.
It’s ok, we’ll be ok … I hope.
Need to get back to the gym.
Need to stop eating.
Need to get fit.
Need to get healthy.
God damn it - why does food have to taste so good!? Actually more to the point, why do I have no self control when it comes to food??
I’m so disappointed in myself.