I hate this feeling of inadequacy towards everything in my life right now.

Can someone buy me tickets for the Macklemore & Ryan Lewis concert in Auckland on Feb 22 please!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

I’m so confused.
What have I done to make you hate me so?
Why do you not want to talk to me anymore?
We were so close,
It was so lovely.

And now I feel like it’s nothing.
And it hurts.

I dreamt about you last night.
It was bliss, it was amazing.
To see you again,
To feel you again.

I woke up feeling so peaceful.
I wish I could feel like that every day.

I cannot sleep. I cannot think. I cannot breathe.

How did I let myself get so attached?

I miss you.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I need you.
Make me feel better.

Just to be with you one more time.

I wish I could talk to you, I know you would make everything seem right again.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
Come at once.

Today it took all the willpower I have to not lock myself in my room, cry and eat chocolate all day.

So mad at my sister and family, and am so unbelievably tired.

I feel like absolute shit, both physically and emotionally.

I have completely worn myself out and cannot cope with day to day activities anymore. I have stressed so much over the last couple of weeks that I have suffered from cold sores, ulcers, pulling my hair out when I’m alone, and recurring UTI’s.

It is absolute fucking hell.

Not only that, but I’m a fucking shit girlfriend. I know I don’t make him happy any more and that fucking kills me. I know how to make him happy, I just cannot emotionally bring myself to do that. All he wants is for me to be happy, but I don’t deserve that. Not at all.

I hate myself.

I. Hate. Myself.

I don’t deserve anything in life. I am a pathetic, fat, useless, disgusting, failure. 

Had another fall today, off the ‘super-safe-wonder-pony’ as well.

Helicopter was flying low over us, she spooked and ran out sideways underneath me.

I’m rather sore again, especially considering I landed on the side I fell on in December as well. I can sit, I can walk, but I can’t bend forward, so will be interesting to see how riding goes tomorrow.

3 days before our first competition as well! Something tells me we are not yet ready, but I need to do this for my self confidence. I need to start competing again.

So am feeling very low at the moment, disappointed in myself for falling and not being more aware of my surroundings, disappointed that I didn’t stop when I though enough was enough, disappointed that I was unhappy with her canter so asked for more from her.

It’s ok, we’ll be ok … I hope.

Need to get back to the gym.

Need to stop eating.

Need to get fit.

Need to get healthy.

God damn it - why does food have to taste so good!? Actually more to the point, why do I have no self control when it comes to food??

I’m so disappointed in myself.

it’s amazing the emotions that death brings with it.

I’m such a failure at everything.

I am so sick of disappointing everyone all the time.